Why Do I Feel Loyal to My Abuser? Understanding Stockholm Syndrome
One of the most confusing and painful questions survivors of abuse often ask is:
"Why do I still feel loyal to the person who hurt me?"
It seems illogical—even impossible. But this experience is real, and more common than people think. It even has a name: Stockholm Syndrome.
What Is Stockholm Syndrome?
Stockholm Syndrome is a condition in which victims of abuse develop emotional attachments to their abuser. The term was coined in the 1970s after a bank robbery in Sweden where hostages began to sympathize with their captors.
But the concept applies far beyond hostage situations—especially in emotionally or psychologically abusive relationships.
In controlling or violent dynamics, a victim may develop a deep bond with the abuser. This bond, as toxic as it may be, feels familiar—and therefore falsely safe. Over time, it becomes harder to tell the difference between genuine care and manipulative control.
Why Does It Happen?
At first glance, it's hard to understand how someone could feel compassion for an abuser. But the human brain is wired for survival.
When you're in danger, your mind finds ways to adapt. Sometimes, the only way to feel safe is to align with the threat. If the abuser occasionally comforts you or shows affection between phases of cruelty, it creates confusion.
This cycle of fear, relief, and guilt keeps the victim emotionally tethered—grateful for kindness, hopeful for change, and unsure of what's real.
It's Not Weakness. It's Conditioning.
There's a harmful myth that only "weak" or "helpless" people experience Stockholm Syndrome.
But actually, it can happen to anyone. It has nothing to do with strength and everything to do with psychological conditioning.
When you're unsure whether you're safe or in danger, your mind chooses the path of least harm. You adapt by clinging to whatever feels like protection—even if it comes from the person causing the pain.
Signs of Stockholm Syndrome
You don't need to have been physically trapped to feel emotionally trapped.
Ask yourself:
- Do you justify or defend the behavior of someone who's hurt you?
- Do you feel guilt or shame when you think of leaving?
- Do you focus more on the "good times," even if they were rare?
- Do you believe no one else will understand you like they do?
- Do you avoid thinking or speaking negatively about them—even to yourself?
If any of these sound familiar, know this:
You're not alone. And it's not your fault.
Healing Starts With Awareness
Admitting these feelings and recognizing them as trauma responses is one of the hardest steps in recovery.
You might blame yourself for "not seeing the signs" or "staying too long." But self-blame only adds to the pain.
Healing begins with self-compassion.
It means questioning the beliefs you've held about love, loyalty, and safety. It means seeking support—not to be rescued, but to be understood.
Reframing Your Mindset
Small Shifts That Make a Big Difference
Here are a few ways to begin shifting your thinking:
- From Self-Blame to Self-Compassion
- "Why did I stay?" becomes "How did I survive?"
- You did what you needed to survive. Now you get to choose differently.
- From Fear to Curiosity
- Instead of fearing the unknown, ask: "What if freedom is better than I thought?"
- Name the Cycle
- Those "good moments" were part of the manipulation.
- Real love doesn't leave you hurt, silenced, or confused.
- Start Small
- Set micro-boundaries. Say "no." Protect your energy. Surround yourself with people who feel safe.
- Anchor in Truth
- Notice how you feel after each interaction. Let reason—not just emotion—guide your choices.
- Say It Out Loud
- "I deserve love that doesn't hurt." Speaking your truth is already a step toward reclaiming it.
You Are Allowed to Leave
You can grieve someone who hurt you.
You can feel conflicted.
You can still love them and choose to walk away.
Leaving doesn't make you disloyal. It makes you brave.
Staying doesn't make you weak. It makes you human, doing the best you can with what you knew.
You're allowed to unlearn.
You're allowed to heal.
Support Makes All the Difference
At HULM Training and Development, we understand the complex emotions tied to trauma, abuse, and emotional entanglement.
Through trauma-informed counselling and self-empowerment programs, we help individuals:
- Understand their pain
- Rebuild their sense of identity
- Strengthen their relationships
Healing isn't always clear or linear.
But every step toward freedom is a victory.
You don't need to have all the answers.
You just need to begin.